Tag: Hope

Chapter 11

April 15th, 2023

My dearest readers,

I want to pause and thank you for keeping me company on what I realize has been a rather dark journey thus far.

I am already on the other side of my journey. You have yet to see that part I realize.

So while I know that I am now whole and content and thoroughly engaged in life, maybe it’s still feeling heavy for you.

If you feel no need for a palate cleanser, by all means skip this chapter – you won’t miss the story. But if you’re intrigued, please stay, and read on.

I have attached a link to one of my favorite songs. It never fails to bring me to tears with its beautiful message. I have been pausing often along this blog trek to listen, as it serves to remind me of the present moment. It grounds me in an intense love for myself and others. It’s a wonderful space to occupy.

(Please note that although the song takes place in a church, I have no religious leanings or agenda in that regard)

AND, if you’re moved to do so, feel free to share a song or poem or piece of art that does the same for you. I would love to know what lifts you up with joy. Or brings you to your knees with joy.

There’s a line in this song that asks, “Don’t you want to look into a stranger’s eyes and see yourself looking back?”

I do, dear reader.

Perhaps you do, too.

Chapter 12

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Chapter 10

April 13th, 2023

Mandibular symphyseal fracture.

Left horizontal mandibular ramus fracture.

Right horizontal mandibular ramus fracture.

Right condylar process high-neck fracture.

Multiple right orbital hairline fractures.

These words, like ghosts, echoed with a sort of faint, forlorn pitch through the corridors of my semi-conscious mind. And, like ghosts, they faded as I woke, to the point where I wondered if I had really heard them in the first place.

I was in a hospital bed. Luxurious compared to the gurney.

Contrasting that was the tight, loud ache boring through my face and head.

I lifted my hand and brought it slowly, groggily toward my face. I paused it mid-air as I saw an IV snaked around it and taped to my wrist. I looked down at the rest of my body. Wires disappeared beneath my gown.

I looked up to take in the rest of the room. Hospital equipment beeped beside my bed. Nurses and doctors and family conversed quietly in the corner.

One of the nurses broke away from the group, came over to me, and smiled reassuringly.

“Let’s get you to the bathroom, okay hon?”

She pulled the blankets back. I stepped gingerly onto the cold floor with my bare feet. I padded carefully across the room as she held my arm with one hand and rolled the IV stand with the other.

As we entered the bathroom, I finally caught a glimpse of myself in the large mirror, and I got to see what everyone else had been looking at for all these hours.

And my heart broke into countless pieces. Broke for my family.

Because I realized the strength it must have taken to hide their fear and horror from me.

And I realized how broken they were too. You couldn’t not be.

And that all of this was because of me. The collective fears and sadness were because of me.

I stared at myself, and my entire being broke inside, over and over and over.

Chapter 11

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Chapter 4

April 5th, 2023

When the veil of darkness finally lifted, the first image to register in my consciousness astonished me.

I was not raised in a religious household. But I could not deny what I was seeing.

I was literally surrounded by bright light. And there, hovering above me, was a halo.

I was not perturbed by the knowledge of my death. Instead, I was transfixed by my halo, by the way it shimmered and danced above me. An ethereal hum accompanied it – like holy voices in celebration.

I felt no pain. In fact, I felt awed. I felt transcendent. It was bliss. Or I was bliss. Either way, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

An eternity passed.

And then my halo slowly started to move away from my body. I watched it for a long time, until eventually it moved up and out of my field of vision.

And then the shimmering light faded, and disappeared. And the humming stopped.

The figure of a woman in white approached. She stood next to me for a while, and then spoke to me in the most gentle tone.

“Okay, sweetheart, we’re all done here.”

She slid my supine body out of the CT scanner and passed me to another technician, who silently rolled me down the hallway and into a small room.

As he drew the curtain around my gurney, I saw my clothes crumpled on a chair in the corner. I knew they were mine because I recognized my favorite socks – baby blue ankle length ones with colorful flowers on them – sitting on top of my bloody, puke-stained shirt and jeans.

I sighed, and closed my eyes, and let the pain come.

Chapter 5

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Tag: Hope

Chapter 11

Chapter 10

Chapter 4